Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I haven't written in awhile because my world lately has not been a happy place. Since the loss of Alexi, which in some ways was sudden, I've just been going through the motions of life.
However, as my friend Karen says, when one part of your life isn't good, it doesn't cancel out the other parts that are. I've been trying to shift my focus in that direction.
My friend Donna also said to put the emotinal software in the background and do what you need to do. Also good advice. That works best though when I am in the office and not so much at home because the reminders here are everywhere. Just putting sheets on the bed Monday made me cry because Alexi always jumped on the bed and "helped". Her entire life, I always enjoyed the silly little things she did, even if that meant I couldn't quite finish making the bed, and I thank God I always had patience with her. I also spent a lot of quality time with her. At least there are no regrets or guilt from that perspective.
Torey and Lucky have really clung to me in my despair. I can tell Torey has been affected because he will sniff a certain spot she used to lie on and then lie down on it himself. Lucky seems affected in a more positive way and has been on the couch a lot more than he was. I do feel bad that Alexi intimidated him so much. He's really emerged since she's been gone and that makes me sad. I suspect I haven't given him enough attention and I am trying like heck to make up for it now. He's 17.
I re-joined all my singing groups and have gone back to either knitting or crocheting every day. My heart isn't entirely back in it yet and I have found that being in church makes me feel worse rather than better. I don't understand a God who seems to relish suffering. He sent His own son to suffer and die. I don't get that. I never have, but I always just told myself to have faith and not think about it. However, watching Alexi die right in front of my eyes after 6 weeks of suffering has brought it right back to the surface of my mind.
No amount of thinking or reasoning can change anything, so I am just moving on the best I can and lavishing all of my love and attention on my two boys. I am blessed that I have them. They are both loving and affectionate, and wonderful companions.